


Swans

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mortality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:44:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Ever since Alec had been allowed to wander off alone, he’d found calmness in his walks. They were a way to clear his head at a point in his life when talking about whatever was bothering him was rarely an option. It was now, but Alec preferred a long walk for this particular worry.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	Swans

**Author's Note:**

> I saw some swans swimming in the icy water and my thoughts started to run and I ended up with this. Kind of really like it, kind of didn't know how to end it.

The November air was biting. The occasional wind made it feel colder than it really was and Alec could feel the chill all over his body. Despite the boots and the gloves his toes and fingers were frozen numb. It was not the perfect weather for a walk, but Alec had never been one to wait for perfect conditions.

Ever since Alec had been allowed to wander off alone, he’d found calmness in his walks. They were a way to clear his head at a point in his life when talking about whatever was bothering him was rarely an option. It was now, but Alec preferred a long walk for this particular worry.

How was he going to explain himself to Magnus, when he himself wasn’t sure how he was feeling? The last thing he wanted was to start an argument or make Magnus feel guilty for something out of his control.

The season had changed from fall to winter and the trees had lost their leaves. The ground was dusted with white - not enough to cover the ground completely, but enough to make people excited about snow. It felt like fall had gone by faster than the previous years and it highlighted how fleeting Alec’s time was in the context of the life he was currently living. This time last year they had been newlyweds in the Shadow World that needed uniting but that was no longer in immediate danger. 

And now they were preparing for their move to Alicante.

A lot had happened in a year but it still felt like it had been the fastest one in Alec’s life so far. After his rune ceremony and the permission to go on hunts, Alec hadn’t really cared about the passage of time. With no important milestones on the horizon, the time had never gone by too fast or too slow.

It was passing in a blur now when he had become aware of how limited his time on this earth was. 

Alec decided to stop for a moment when he spotted an empty bench overlooking a small bay. He sat down and winced as the coldness crept through his jeans. Ignoring the slight discomfort, he leaned back and looked at the water in front of him. The edges of the bay were frozen but a few brave swans were swimming closer to the middle of the bay where the ice hadn’t reached yet. Their heads were down in the icy water while their tails were up in the air, and Alec felt cold just watching them. 

He wondered how the swans knew when it was too cold to fall asleep there, and if there were swans that had got stuck to the frozen water, waking up to the realisation that they could no longer fly away. Trapped in a place that was supposed to provide a moment of rest on their long journey but that had now become the cause of a painful death.

How long was too long, until their unwillingness to leave their peaceful resting place would turn to regret over staying?

How long would Magnus enjoy their marriage, until Alec’s mortality would make it feel like a trap that was slowly killing him?

Alec shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it. They had already been over this once, but that conversation didn’t really get any sort of resolution. Alec believed that Magnus could deal with him aging but he didn’t know how much it would hurt him to watch his husband fade away and eventually die.

Would Magnus survive that? 

Wouldn’t it have been easier for Magnus to keep this casual, to maintain freedom and not stay for too long?

But Alec knows, from personal experience, that falling in love so deeply had never been about choice.

That doesn’t stop a part of him from feeling guilty for eventually leaving and causing Magnus pain. He’s not afraid of the death itself or what will happen to him once he leaves this world, but he mourns for those who will get left behind. He worries how it will affect Magnus, who Alec knows loves him with his whole soul.

What will be left of that soul after Alec passes?

Alec doesn’t want to think too highly of himself, knows that Magnus has gotten over great losses in the past, but he knows that each has left a mark on him. For how long would Magnus lock his heart away after Alec was gone?

Even though the thought of Magnus in love with someone new caused Alec pain, he hoped that Magnus could be happy and in love even after he was gone. It would be a completely different world, perhaps lifetimes away. Alec would be long gone but he knows that Magnus wouldn’t let his memory die.

There would be an item on the box, and hopefully many happy memories in Magnus’ heart.

Alec was crying. He only realised as the wind touched the trails on his cheeks and made them turn from warm to freezing in seconds. He wiped them away with the back of his glove before anyone had a chance to see.

Magnus was a loving person with a heart the size of an Atlantic ocean, and Alec was grateful he was counted on the group of people Magnus loved. He knew that when Magnus let someone in his heart, he let them in completely. When surrounded by love - be it romantic or something else - Magnus was at his best.

Just like the swans needed the rest on their long journey, Magnus needed to risk the chance of heartbreak for the years of love he would get.

**Author's Note:**

> Second mortality fic in a row, I apologise for all the sadness :D I promise that happier fics are coming!


End file.
